Honours-ly

First week of uni has been another roller-coaster experience for me.


Throughout summer, I was a very confused man. It was a mainly over a decision of whether to pursue an actuarial or economics career - I chose actuarial, and hence Masters in Actuarial Studies. In the midst of my career decision and the other cloud of events that took place, I ignored an alternative route to being an actuary. I was also invited to the Honours year in Finance, but I decided to overlook it, simply because I was unable to deal with thinking about yet another alternative career path.


Since I commenced my masters, I have a feeling that I am merely doing half of the subjects for the sake of filling up empty slots in my coursework plan - some were not what quite I had hoped for, some felt like I am doing something but it does not yield any tangible result, as though I am doing double work. Research is also tight. My friend suggested I ask to do the Honours program.


To cut a long story short, 7 days after my arrival here, I am now invited back into the Honours program, and I get to do my Part II Actuarial papers (although it is likely to pull my Honours grade down). All I need now is a thesis topic, and I am sorted for the year. Now I can finally focus on something concrete. The honours convenor was keen to have me in the program, but before she started with the admin process, she asked, "Are you 100% sure you want to do Honours?". I replied sheepishly, "Yes". Earlier, I was hesitant to ask if I should be in the program again. Then, at that particular moment, I was still not 100% sure. After leaving her office, I thought to myself...


What have I just got myself into? What have I done?


On my 24th birthday, I 'sold' my next 9 months to the university. Honours in Finance here I come!


Birthday celebrations was quite interesting. First, early dinner with friends, followed by drinks at the pub, and another pizza dinner with a different group of friends. Of course, finished off with a night out in the city. Survived long enough to walk home alive, and turn up for 9am class the next day.

This birthday marks the death of an episode of me ( and also death of my social life thanks to Honours).

Time to show the tiger's stripes again this year.

Characters of the Heart

First Sunday back in Canberra - feels great to be with God's family again! My heart was smashed when ps margaret prayed for me, it needs to be broken so that it can be rebuilt again.

The vessel needs to be emptied before it can be filled again.

Sermon by our senior pastor, ps sean spoke straight to me.

1. Your heart gets attracted to what you treasure. Matt 6:20-21
2. Your heart stores things. Matt 12:35
---Q: How serious are you in defending the treasure stored in your heart?
3. Your heart determines the quality of your life. Matt 12:35, Proverbs 4:23-27
---The theme of your heart will be the pattern of your life
4. The heart is the source of everything
---You cannot change your life if you don't change your heart.

Renew me. Lord, I pray for a fresh revelation of your plan every day.

return

Its been 3 days since I returned to Australia. Not excited at all.

I recall the time when I took my first flight to Australia in Feb '06. I was so excited because I knew there was abundant opportunities and new experiences waiting for me. Although I left home in a hurry back then, I was eager for change.

This February, I was not eager at all, and I was afraid to return. I feared that I will be weak, lose my grip and slip back down in my climb out of the deep end. In fact, this is the first time I was not eager to start the year, especially abroad.

Be strong.

So I tried to swallow the past and face reality head on. When I reached canberra, I hit the floor running. Enrolment, subject choice, bank stuff, food, society stuff - before I realised, it was already time for dinner. I left my SIM at home so I was out of reach for the whole day. Just when I wanted to settle down for the night and get some rest, my korean friend came by and dragged me out to the city.

Face reality. Head-on.

I really didn't want to hit the night scene, but he kept persuading me. Well, ok. I went and came back, but while I was there, memories flashed by my very eyes, and the night seemed to go by so slowly. Same thing next night, went to same place and just being in the crowd was hard. My friend thinks this is necessary, I think I agree with him. Watching memories replay is certainly not a pleasant experience. I felt powerless because I kept falling. Right at my lowest point, I'm glad there are people who held on with me. I was reminded of these verses

Romans 5:3-5 "3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"

Thank you God for showering me with blessings, though I may not realise them sometimes.
Dear Lord, speak to me and show me your ways. Give me strength to endure these temptations of the past. Renew me and rebuild me. God I know you called me to service this year, Lord I pray that you guide me in my service for you.

What can wash away our sins?

What can make us whole again?

What can wash us pure as snow

Welcomed as the friends of God..

..Nothing but the blood of Jesus

teacher

My friend posted this on his facebook status today:

" The teacher is always silent when the test is given. When God is silent in your life, you are being tested " - Rick Warren

When I read this, I know I have failed in the past year. I was serving Him, but my trust in Him was weak. Perhaps, I was being more and more confident of myself, and my relationship with God suffered a decline.

He did give me reminders during the year - there was a point in mid-year when I just sat at the last row in church, and my heart poured out to God. Vulnerable. Guilty. Just as I felt hurt for feeling neglected and not appreciated, I was reminded that I was doing the same to God. He must be feeling exactly the way I was feeling that time. However, at that moment, He also reminded through song that despite not being forgotten, He never forgets about me and He loves me regardless. That motivated me to carry on that time.

Now, its all about building a renewed me. It will be a slow climb up the well; I get tired sometimes or I might slip and lose my balance, but I know there's always someone who'll catch me when I fall.